Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Roller Coaster

I don't like roller coasters. In fact the older I get, the more I despise them.  I have been on a few (in my young years when life seemed invincible) and they are frightening and you wonder if you are going to survive the next uphill climb or descent. Is the wheel going to fall off? When you go around the next corner at an enormously sharp speed will the wheels come off the track and you plummet to the ground 500 feet below? When you are upside down and twisting around, will the seat belt come loose?  All these thoughts have gone through my mind.

In these last months I have felt like I have been on a fast paced roller coaster. My emotions have been frightening and I have wondered if I would survive as I climb again and again another steep incline up another mountain with a different name. The next thing I knew, I was going around a sharp fast curve and wondering if I would fall out....

June 2nd, 2013, after a "long goodbye", my daddy enter the gates of heaven. 

He was diagnosed with Mesothelioma in November of 2010.  It was very emotional and hard to watch his very painful long drawn out death. All 8 of his children were able to come and visit him in the last 2 years  and to say those things we needed to say. He was faithful to the end and now he is with my mom in heaven. Grief is an interesting emotion. Each of us walk through it and each of us walk through it differently. There is no right or wrong way to walk this path. It is an odd feeling to realize we can't go home again. My parents are gone. We are orphans. So thankful that the Lord is our Heavenly Father and will be there for us. My favorite memory will be the one when I last saw him, laying in the hospital bed, with his eyes closed, and some of my siblings and I sang the hymn "In The Garden". We choked through the song but we made it... Precious memories for this daughter to carry in my heart. That was the last time I saw him alive on this earth. I honor him and thank him for the legacy he leaves behind to us all. May we be faithful.

Just one week later, my beautiful baby girl, married the man she has been waiting for her whole life. She waited for the best. She was a beautiful, radiant bride and was glowing all evening. I cried a lot. Happy tears for her happiness and the faithfulness of the Lord to answer the deep cries of my daughter's heart. In my roller coaster of emotions I had a "moment" of not walking in the Lord's grace during the wedding dinner rehearsal. :(  My forgiving bride-to-be daughter, in her grace, forgave me, and onward we went. So much to learn from her.  I pray for the Lord's grace to cover them as they begin their journey together. I am so happy for them both.

Photo: Beautiful day for the Beeson Wedding!! I am LOVING these photos!

 Today, two days after the precious wedding, my oldest daughter had to hand her children over to "strangers" for 3 weeks in Anchorage, per custody court order. Needless to say, there were more tears. The picture below was taken an hour before she had to drop them off. There is so much pain in the process and journey of divorce, and especially when children are involved. All I can do as a grandmother is get on my face before the Lord and ask Him to cover their  tender little hearts with His grace.

Photo: Love my kiddos!!!!!

In August we will welcome Ella Jean and Emma Leann to our family with great joy. We are elated for our son Mike and his wife, Laci. We will soon have five grandchildren.:)

Roller coaster emotions.... The feeling of incredible sadness at the loss of my dad. The wonderful, happy, elated feelings of joy at the wedding of our baby girl and her new husband, Brian. The deep sadness and pain at walking our grandchildren with their mother to "drop' them off for 3 weeks, to a place they did not want to go... My heart physically hurt at that pain. The emotion of joy as we await the arrival of two new little ones...

Life is full. Full of unknowns, full of laughter, full of tears, full of emotions and full of GRACE. I have needed His grace more than ever these last few months in my life. Seems like I have walked in the "flesh" more than in His Spirit. That is no one else's fault then mine. I am always responsible for my own actions and reactions. My roller coaster has made some sharp fast paced turns these last months. I haven't always passed the test, in fact, I have failed many of them but I want to pass. So, as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, and wake up again tomorrow, I will be given a new day. Fresh, a gift from heaven to me, to find His grace again and again.